Monday, November 11, 2013


          My neighbour, the philosophy graduate, says my characters are dull, they have no passion. That is why my books don't sell. Astute questioning about the wife beating All Black, the motor bike riding priest and Black Fern revealed that my neighbour had not actually read the books. But he did have a point. Sex scenes embarrass me..

          I thought I was doing all right at romantic comedy, in ART WEEK my main character is married to a serial philanderer and in THORNY GLEN I almost got the two main characters in to bed together, but I got the giggles and sent the hero to sleep;

.        Obviously in spite of two marriages and eight children my knowledge is deficient, probably because I grew up believing  that what goes on behind bedroom doors, or the back seat of a car, is personal and private. Things have changed in the literary world since Jane Austen's day so I loaded my kindle with a lot of 99cent novels and started researching what made popular novels .passionate.

       .I wish I had known about these novels when we were bringing up our boys, they havemuch  moreu7seful  information than any  sex manual I have encountered..

 Take kissing for example:

Where to start, forehead. ears or chin are good starting places.
How to use the tongue - Where to lick, or nibble, or suck!

As for the act itself:

The hero's boxer shorts are suddenly too tight.  The heroine wets her thong so they discard their clothes.
There is a lot of heavy breathing because internal muscles that I never knew existed, are being exercised.
Both parties do a lot of moaning and grunting.
The heroine squirms a lot and at the moment of orgasm  screams the hero's name.
The hero goes on grunting, probably worried about whether the cheap condom will hold out.
All this happens a number of times on a variety of surfaces; the back seat of the car with him on top; the expensive granite bench top of his apartment kitchen, again with him on top; the shagpile  fireside rug in his or her apartment, with her on top, any part of his or her office; against that wall he is always leaning on and finally in his or her bed, several times. Whew!

HEROES the guys with sexy names like Kurt, Deke. Zac are all at least 6 foot eighteen inches tall, they have shoulders like prop forwards and don't smell of anything but woodsy  cologne, even if the story is set in the twelfth century where people did not bathe or shower.. 
Probably because of their height they lean against anything available; walls, doorways, buildings, and when a heroine enters their brains cease to function because of loss of oxygen. Or maybe that is because if defective eyesight. Their eyes change colour when they experience passion, anger, arousal, lust, anything.
They are martial arts champions and a lot of them can cook.

Unless they are British Aristocrats, who inherit their wealth. they are self made billionaires,  but they buy cheap condoms with a suspiciously high failure rate. They apparently do not read the 'use by' date on the packet .Consequently casual encounters leave heroines nauseated, but of course Kurt, or Deke etc will do the right thing. Unplanned Fatherhood awakens all sorts of tender emotions.

HEROINES usually have red hair, and are thin, but curvy with great legs. Their eyes are the colour of sapphires or emeralds and grow sultry or somnolent in moments of great lust. They might look delicate, but their internal musculature can cope with multiple orgasms induced by the hero's foreplay.

Unlike the arrogant heroes heroines often have low self esteem  because a domineering parent, a cheating lover or a super model sibling has destroyed their belief in themselves. The hero rebuilds that belief, using those faulty condoms of course.

But is all this sexual activity real passion? I don't think so.

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